Bring Back The Postmaster General

It seems to me that direct mail was better years ago when we worked under a more authoritarian regime. In those days we knew where we stood and what we could and couldn’t get away with. The Post Office Guide was a minefield of rules and regulations; for example, getting any words on the outside of an envelope, other than the address, was subject to approval in triplicate from a hierarchy of Royal Mail jobsworths.

But response rates soared and my doormat was rarely a landing pad for dross as it is today. Instead, we have a more laissez faire attitude to direct mail and almost anything unfortunately goes. The man running the Royal Mail typifies this. The last time I saw him, he was presenting a first prize at the DMA Awards and couldn’t even be bothered to wear a black tie with his DJ.

I believe we could junk the junk mail sobriquet once and for all if we make a return to the good old days. All we need is for all direct mail to be approved by a committee made up of some of my old chums and colleagues under the iron fist of a 21st century Postmaster General.

These experts would scrutinise all direct mail and grant permission for items meeting their exacting standards to be mailed. The rest would be subject to an overprinting with a Postmaster General warning, in much the same way as fag packets are plastered with Government Health warnings today. These would caution consumers against the ghastly offers inside.

I have prepared a few overprints in advance for some notable culprits.

For credit card offers:

WARNING Don’t be taken in by this tosh. Get a life - pay cash. APR is an interest rate, not an abbreviation for April you big pillock.

For cars:

WARNING Look, the moment you drive this off the forecourt you can wave goodbye to 10-20% of what you paid. What’s more, you’ll be visiting the dealer for ages getting the rattles sorted. Do yourself a favour, buy yourself a six-month old model, trouser the difference and take the missus on holiday. (Or, send the missus on holiday and get yourself an 18-year old model).

For time-share:

If you believe this, you probably think that EastEnders is about real people and the Daily Mail is a newspaper and not the samizdat of the Conservative party. You have been WARNED

Collectibles:

WARNING This edition is not limited by our avarice…only your gullibility. About as much chance of increasing in value as you have of being called Dobbin and winning the Grand National. If you want to collect something try train numbers and meet people of your own stupid IQ.

I hope this gives you some idea about how effective the scheme would be.

There are further benefits. Good agencies would grow because only those with the best creative teams would get their work through the committee unscathed. Most clients would have to stop rewriting anything presented to them and get on with their job of commissioning, commenting upon, approving and organising mailings.

Standards and response rates would increase. There would be no need for the Mailing Preference Service because everybody would enjoy receiving mailings.

Please leave your own suggestions for Postmaster General warnings in the “Comments” section below. Be as grumpy as you like!